230+ Best Funny Quotes 2024 About Life, Family, Pets, Study, Work

Summary: In this post, we’ve collected 230+ funny quotes covering topics of life, family, age, work, parents, children, and hilarious quotes. Pick up your favorite one!

Funny quotes are a way to show your personality in your daily life. Most people search for a suit one to put it on their social media to express their attitude. Today, we’ve collected 230+ best funny quotes covering topics of life, family, pets, age, work, parents, children, and hilarious sayings. Check them out and add them to your Instagram bio words.

Table content

• Funny Quotes About Life
• Funny Quotes About Family
• Funny Quotes About Pets
• Funny Quotes About Age
• Funny Quotes About Study
• Witty Sayings About Work
• Funny Quotes About Parents
• Humorous Quotes About Children
• Overall Hilarious Quotes
• Create Personalized Funny Quotes with Fotor (Online & Free)
• Final Words

Funny Quotes About Life

• "I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender." - Rodney Dangerfield
• "Life is like a sewer – what you get out of it depends on what you put into it." - Tom Lehrer
• "If at first, you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you." - Steven Wright
• "A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing." - Emo Philips
• "I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done." - Steven Wright
• "I intend to live forever. So far, so good." - Steven Wright
• "I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places." - Henny Youngman
• "I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception." - Groucho Marx
• "I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying." - Oscar Wilde
• "The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces." - Will Rogers
• "I am an early bird and a night owl… so I am wise and I have worms." - Michael Scott (The Office)
• "The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream." - Bill Murray
• "Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes." - Jim Carrey
• "Never trust people who smile constantly. They're either selling something or not very bright." - Laurell K. Hamilton
• "My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them." - Mitch Hedberg
• "I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early." - Charles Lamb
• "I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me." - Fred Allen
• "The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets." - Al McGuire
• "The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it." - Joan Rivers

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• "The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket." - Will Rogers
• "By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong." - Charles Wadsworth
• "I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them." - Phyllis Diller
• "I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago, it was grass.'" - Phyllis Diller
• "When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye." - Cathy Guisewite
• "I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally." - W.C. Fields
• "My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that." - Stewart Francis
• "You can't have everything. Where would you put it?" - Steven Wright
• "I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain
• "If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments." - Earl Wilson
• "When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room." - Woody Allen
• "Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?" - Robin Williams
• "I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong." - Benjamin Franklin
• "If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?" - Jerry Seinfeld
• "Always borrow money from a pessimist. They won’t expect it back." - Oscar Wilde
• "Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive." - Elbert Hubbard
• "A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it starts to rain." - Robert Frost
• "My wife's cooking is so bad, the flies pitched in to fix the screen door." - Rodney Dangerfield

Funny Quotes About Family

• "I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom." - Bob Hope
• "Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city." - George Burns
• "Having a kid is like falling in love for the first time when you're 12, but every single day." - Mike Myers
• "The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions." - Robert Brault
• "I know it's a cliche, but the whole family is just whacked. I mean, we're all out of our minds. They're the funniest, most eccentric bizarre people I've ever met, my siblings." - Dana Carvey
• "In my family, crazy doesn't skip a generation. It takes a double leap." - Author Unknown
• "You don't choose your family. They are God's gift to you, as you are to them. So, consider yourself lucky." - Desmond Tutu
• "Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space." - Evan Esar
• "There is no such thing as fun for the whole family." - Jerry Seinfeld

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• "I don't know half of you half as well as I should like, and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve." - Bilbo Baggins (J.R.R. Tolkien)
• "Home is where you can say anything you like cause nobody listens to you anyway." - Author Unknown
• "Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops." - Cary Grant
• "A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold." - Ogden Nash
• "We are family. I got all my sisters with me. We are family. Get up everybody and sing!" - Sister Sledge (Song Lyrics)
• "The only rock I know that stays steady, the only institution I know that works, is the family." - Lee Iacocca
• "The family is one of nature's masterpieces." - George Santayana
• "My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called 'Pictures We Took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film'." - Penelope Lombard
• "When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway." - Erma Bombeck

Funny Quotes About Pets

• "The cat could very well be man's best friend but would never stoop to admitting it." - Doug Larson
• "If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die, I want to go where they went." - Will Rogers
• "In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this." - Terry Pratchett
• "Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." - Groucho Marx
• "Money can buy you a fine dog, but only love can make him wag his tail." - Kinky Friedman
• "My dog is half pit-bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip!" - Craig Shoemaker
• "Cats are connoisseurs of comfort." - James Herriot
• "I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult." - Rita Rudner
• "If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two of them." - Phil Pastoret
• "A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down." - Robert Benchley
• "I don't need an alarm clock. My cat wakes me up at the same time every morning, knocking things off the dresser." - Steven Wright
• "Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose." - Garrison Keillor
• "Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow." - Jeff Valdez
• "There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face." - Ben Williams
• "I believe cats to be spirits come to earth. A cat, I am sure, could walk on a cloud without coming through." - Jules Verne
• "Dogs have boundless enthusiasm but no sense of shame. I should have a dog as a life coach." - Moby
• "No matter how much cats fight, there always seems to be plenty of kittens." - Abraham Lincoln
• "I've met many thinkers and many cats, but the wisdom of cats is infinitely superior." - Hippolyte Taine
• "I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals." - Winston S. Churchill
• "Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole." - Roger Caras

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• "A dog will teach you unconditional love. If you can have that in your life, things won't be too bad." - Robert Wagner
• "A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself." - Josh Billings
• "Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear." - Dave Barry
• "There are two means of refuge from the misery of life - music and cats." - Albert Schweitzer
• "If you want a friend in Washington, get a dog." - Harry S. Truman
• "Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want." - Joseph Wood Krutch
• "I love cats because I enjoy my home; and little by little, they become its visible soul." - Jean Cocteau
• "It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog." - Mark Twain
• "Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later." - Mary Bly
• "A dog is the only thing that can mend a crack in your broken heart." - Judy Desmond
• "Cats have it all: admiration, an endless sleep, and company only when they want it." - Rod McKuen
• "The world would be a nicer place if everyone had the ability to love as unconditionally as a dog." - M.K. Clinton
• "I'm suspicious of people who don't like dogs, but I trust a dog when it doesn't like a person." - Bill Murray
• "Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole." - Roger Caras
• "Dogs' lives are too short. Their only fault, really." - Agnes Sligh Turnbull
• "A dog is one of the remaining reasons why some people can be persuaded to go for a walk." - O.A. Battista
• "Cats are absolute individuals, with their own ideas about everything, including the people they own." - John Dingman
• "I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals." - Winston S. Churchill
• "A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than you love yourself." - Josh Billings
• "Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose." - Garrison Keillor
• "A dog will make eye contact. A cat will, too, but a cat's eyes don't even look entirely warm-blooded to me, whereas a dog's eyes look human except less guarded. A dog will look at you as if to say, 'What do you want me to do for you? I'll do anything for you.' Whether a cat will do anything for you depends on the cat." - Roy Blount Jr.
• "The average dog is a nicer person than the average person." - Andy Rooney
• "I love cats because I enjoy my home; and little by little, they become its visible soul." - Jean Cocteau
• "I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior." - Hippolyte Taine
• "A dog is the only thing that can mend a crack in your broken heart." - Judy Desmond
• "Cats have it all: admiration, an endless sleep, and company only when they want it." - Rod McKuen

Funny Quotes about Age

• "Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter." - Mark Twain
• "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." - Bob Hope
• "Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life." - Kitty O'Neill Collins
• "Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle." - Bob Hope
• "Age is something that doesn't matter unless you are a cheese." - Billie Burke
• "The older you get, the better you get. Unless you're a banana." - Betty White
• "At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns
• "You're never too old to become younger." - Mae West
• "Age is just a number. It's totally irrelevant unless, of course, you happen to be a bottle of wine." - Joan Collins
• "Growing old is mandatory, but growing up is optional." - Walt Disney
• "I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do." - Phyllis Diller
• "Age is something that doesn't matter unless you are a cheese." - Luis Buñuel
• "Old age is like a bank account. You withdraw from what you've put in." - Garrison Keillor
• "Age is a high price to pay for maturity." - Tom Stoppard
• "Age is not important unless you're a cheese." - Helen Hayes
• "Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter." - Mark Twain
• "Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional." - Chili Davis
• "Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter." - Mark Twain
• "You're only as old as the last time you changed your mind." - Timothy Leary
• "At my age, an affair of the heart is a bypass." - Harry Secombe

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• "As you get older, the pickings get slimmer, but the people don't." - Carrie Fisher
• "Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children." - George Bernard Shaw
• "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." - Bob Hope
• "Age is something that doesn't matter unless you are a cheese." - Billie Burke
• "Life's tragedy is that we get old too soon and wise too late." - Benjamin Franklin
• "Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter." - Mark Twain
• "Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter." - Jack Benny
• "Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter." - Mark Twain
• "Old age is like everything else. To make a success of it, you've got to start young." - Fred Astaire
• "Age is not important unless you're a cheese." - Helen Hayes
• "Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough." - Groucho Marx
• "The great thing about getting older is that you don't lose all the other ages you've been." - Madeleine L'Engle
• "Old age isn't so bad when you consider the alternative." - Maurice Chevalier
• "The older you get, the better you get. Unless you're a banana." - Betty White
• "Age is something that doesn't matter unless you are a cheese." - Billie Burke
• "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." - Bob Hope
• "Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter." - Mark Twain
• "Old age isn't so bad when you consider the alternative." - Maurice Chevalier
• "Age is something that doesn't matter unless you are a cheese." - Luis Buñuel"You're never too old to become younger." - Mae West

Funny Quotes About Study

• "I find television very educational. Every time someone turns it on, I go in the other room and read a book." - Groucho Marx
• "The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education." - Albert Einstein
• "I don't need an alarm clock. My ideas wake me." - Ray Bradbury
• "If you think education is expensive, try ignorance." - Andy McIntyre
• "I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done." - Steven Wright
• "I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me—they're cramming for their final exam." - George Carlin
• "I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me." - Woody Allen
• "I go to school, but I never learn what I want to know." - Bill Watterson

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• "The trouble with learning from experience is that you never graduate." - Doug Larson
• "The difference between school and life? In school, you're taught a lesson and then given a test. In life, you're given a test that teaches you a lesson." - Tom Bodett
• "Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school." - Albert Einstein
• "The only thing more expensive than education is ignorance." - Benjamin Franklin
• "I was educated once—it took me years to get over it." - Mark Twain
• "The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces." - Will Rogers
• "I am always ready to learn, although I do not always like being taught." - Winston Churchill
• "In school, you're taught a lesson and then given a test. In life, you're given a test that teaches you a lesson." - Tom Bodett
• "College is a refuge from hasty judgment." - Robert Frost
• "The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office." - Robert Frost

Witty Sayings About Work

• "I choose a lazy person to do a hard job because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it." - Bill Gates
• "The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary." - Vidal Sassoon
• "Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?" - Edgar Bergen
• "Work is the greatest thing in the world. So we should always save some of it for tomorrow." - Don Herold
• "The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one." - Oscar Wilde
• "I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours." - Jerome K. Jerome

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• "I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early." - Charles Lamb
• "The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office." - Robert Frost
• "The harder I work, the luckier I get." - Samuel Goldwyn
• "A man who has to be convinced to act before he acts is not a man of action." - Youssou N'Dour
• "I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours." - Jerome K. Jerome
• "I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by." - Douglas Adams

Funny Quotes About Parents

• "The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable." - Lane Olinghouse
• "Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children!" - Sam Levenson
• "Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing." - Phyllis Diller
• "You don't really understand human nature unless you know why a child on a merry-go-round will wave at his parents every time around - and why his parents will always wave back." - William D. Tammeus
• "The reason grandchildren and grandparents get along so well is that they have a common enemy." - Sam Levenson
• "The trouble with learning to parent on the job is that your child is the teacher." - Robert Brault
• "Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up." - Ray Romano

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• "The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable." - Lane Olinghouse
• "Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing." - Phyllis Diller
• "The reason grandchildren and grandparents get along so well is that they have a common enemy." - Sam Levenson
• "The trouble with learning to parent on the job is that your child is the teacher." - Robert Brault
• "The reason grandchildren and grandparents get along so well is that they have a common enemy." - Sam Levenson
• "Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children!" - Sam Levenson

Humorous Quotes About Children

• "Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing." – Phyllis Diller
• "Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare." – Ed Asner
• "Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected." – Red Buttons
• "There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, employ someone, or forbid your children to do it." – Monta Crane
• "Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children." – Sam Levenson
• "The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable." – Lane Olinghouse
• "Children are like wet cement: whatever falls on them makes an impression." – Haim Ginott
• "Children really brighten up a household; they never turn the lights off." – Ralph Bus
• "A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it." – Jerry Seinfeld
• "Children are a great comfort in your old age – and they help you reach it faster, too." – Lionel Kauffman
• "There is only one pretty child in the world, and every mother has it." – Chinese Proverb
• "I have a great relationship with my kids. I was a great father." – O.J. Simpson
• "Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee." – David Frost
• "If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?" – Milton Berle
• "The best way to keep children home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires." – Dorothy Parker
• "Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own." – Doug Larson
• "Having a two-year-old is like having a blender that you don't have the top for." – Jerry Seinfeld
• "My father didn't tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it." – Clarence Budington Kelland

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• "The only thing worth stealing is a kiss from a sleeping child." – Joe Houldsworth
• "A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it." – Jerry Seinfeld
• "Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare." – Ed Asner
• "The best way to keep children home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires." – Dorothy Parker
• "Children are like wet cement: whatever falls on them makes an impression." – Haim Ginott
• "When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out." – Erma Bombeck
• "The best way to keep children home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires." – Dorothy Parker
• "Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home." – Phyllis Diller
• "Children make your life important." – Erma Bombeck
• "You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going." – P.J. O'Rourke
• "You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance." – Franklin P. Jones
• "The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children." – Clarence Darrow
• "A child educated only at school is an uneducated child." – George Santayana
• "Never have more children than you have car windows." – Erma Bombeck
• "Do your kids a favor - don't have any." – Robert Orben
• "Before I got married, I had six theories about bringing up children. Now I have six children, and no theories." – John Wilmot
• "A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Waldo Emerson
• "Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry." – Bill Cosby
• "The only thing worth stealing is a kiss from a sleeping child." – Joe Houldsworth
• "Children are a great comfort in your old age – and they help you reach it faster, too." – Lionel Kauffman

Overall Hilarious Quotes

• "I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done." – Steven Wright
• "I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass." – David Lee Roth
• "I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness." – Emo Philips
• "I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying." – Oscar Wilde
• "The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets." – Al McGuire
• "I intend to live forever. So far, so good." – Steven Wright
• "I am an early bird and a night owl... so I am wise and I have worms." – Michael Scott (The Office)

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Final Words

Express your own attitude towards people through these funny quotes, putting them on your Instagram bio to show your personality. By the way, share these humorous quotes to your friends to pick up the best one in your hearts.